Standing in front a packed room at the Embassy Suites Hotel, in front of close to 100 people, Attorney Irwin M. Pollack said it best:

“If you’ve never gone through a divorce, trust me – divorce is never what you imagine it to be. From the very first day that divorce hits you in the face, it’s a tough road, but if you can stick it out, just like hitting a patch of fog on the road, you will get through it.”

Below are the 12 things anyone headed towards a divorce needs to be aware of:

1. Make a plan for the children. If you have them, make sure you have all the issues regarding your children figured out. Who will have custody and what will the parenting plan be like? Talk about who will pay for what for the children.

2. Hire an attorney. Find at least two attorneys who specialize in divorce or family law. Meet with them, ask them questions and see which one you feel most comfortable with.

3.  Get some support. Start talking to people who are divorced for real world examples, tips and suggestions on what’s to come. Consider a therapist if you haven’t already seen one, who can help you with the emotional impact of a break up.

4. Start a divorce file. It could become very hefty over time, depending on the length, issues and contentiousness of your legal proceedings. Try to keep it organized so that you can easily find documents for your financial, emotional or legal experts if need be. Divorce translates to lots of paperwork. During this difficult time, your world will be easier if you keep all of the paperwork in a place where you can find it quickly.

5. Organize your financial paperwork. In the steps to consider if you are deciding to divorce, you will need to gather financial documents from insurance paperwork to house deeds. If you haven’t made copies, you should do that now. Have at least four copies each – your lawyer needs three and you need one for your own personal use.

6. Keep some personal items. If you are leaving your home, take any personal items like photographs, jewelry or papers that have special meaning to you. If your break up becomes heated, or already is, you may not be able to get to those items for some time, if ever. If not, having them with you may simply provide a sense of comfort as you move forward in your new life.

7.  Parenting time (custody) and financial responsibility are not tied together. Though you might have them tied together, these are two separate issues. When you confuse them or make them cause-and-effect items, all you do is squeeze your kids. It seems like such a natural (“if he doesn't pay support on time, well then the kids just won’t be ready on time or at all” or “I’ll be damned if I’m going to send a check this month if she and her honey are going on a ski trip”), but this is not a life situation where each month comes to an even tally. It’s never even.  Equitable is the best you can hope for.  Marriage isn’t typically event, so divorce sure won’t be!

8. Divorce, unlike marriage, is forever when there are kids. Unless you really wish to lose your position as a parent (which is the hardest on kids), you will have family occasions, graduations, shared holidays, weddings and funerals that will continually bring you together over the years. Those knots in your stomach at shared public events, especially at the very beginning, are well known to others who have been through divorce.  

9.  If you don’t hate your exiting spouse when you first separate, you will within three months! It’s next to impossible to skip this one though it always seems to come as a surprise. Why, nobody knows. Now you both have different agendas and no way will your priorities (usually money concerns or child-rearing issues) be the same as your ex’s.

10.  Don’t buy anything. No new cars, no new clothes, no new houses, no new jewelry, no new television sets, no lipo – you get the idea. This rule is especially important if child support or alimony is at issue in your case. Buying new things, even if you feel like your need them, signals to your soon to be ex- and opposing counsel that you have money to burn.

11.  If you are the non-custodial parent, don’t take your children out to eat each week. You want your children to enjoy their time with you and to want to come to your house for parenting time. This does not mean that you need to make their every moment a treat. All this does is teaches them that when things are hard emotionally they can get new things from you.

 The Massachusetts Family Law Group is a statewide network of divorce law offices and family law attorneys dedicated to defending the legal rights of men and women relating to their domestic relations matter. 

Each of our six offices across Massachusetts offers no-obligation consultations starting at 5am during the week and all weekend long. 

Call (800) 910-DIVORCE or contact us for an appointment in Springfield, Worcester, Norwood, Andover, Plymouth or on Cape Cod.