Helping Children Adjust
To smooth things out in the children’s roller coaster of emotional ups and downs, parents need to do the following:
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Assure them the missing parent did not stop being their mother or father, that the missing parent is having a difficult time adjusting too and may find it hard to see them often and have to split again each time – that rather than have to go through the emotional tearing apart, the missing parent may prefer to nearly cut off all contact until they have adjusted but that doesn’t mean they stopped loving or caring about you.
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Tell them you are setting-up a kid-time every day at a certain time, like, say 5:45 p.m. During that time, they can bring up anything they like and can talk as long as they want and you will give them 100% of your attention. This way, children can save all of their gripes or anything they need to discuss or talk about until that time if they feel you are not really hearing them. It is the quality of your time (attention), not length of time.
Other points that will help your children adjust:
Parenting Rule #1: Maintain the Status Quo
Once you separate and divorce, logistics should be the only thing that changes – living arrangements, visitation and holidays. The problem is, it’s very tempting to overcompensate for logistical changes by overcompensating for the end of your marriage by indulging your children or changing other ways you are parenting your children.
Experts emphasize that you shouldn’t try to compensate for the end of your marriage by buying more for your children and turning every day visits into special events. All of the things that they hate to do? Continue to enforce those rules – you might even add a few more chores to the list!
If you change everything because you feel bad and start to overcompensate, your children will sense that you’re on a roll and work you over so fast you won’t see it coming. Don’t let that happen! While the children mean well, they’re also learning how to be opportunistic and will test their limits to see how far you’ll go!
Bottom-line: The way you parent your children should not change. In fact, our attorneys often suggest wielding an even bigger parenting stick. If your teenager is giving you a hard time that they want a later bedtime, don’t change the rules – yet. Sure, they’ll hate your guts for an hour, start calling you by your first name and unleash tirades about how evil you are. Things will calm down and they will come around.
How to Handle Birthdays, Holidays and Special Occasions
When you work with your ex-spouse to schedule the time that each of you spends with your child, you need to consider birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. How will these occasions be spent? Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that will work for all occasions or all families. Many factors will need to be taken into consideration including what occasions have had the most meaning to your family, distance between parents’ homes and fairness. When deciding on the schedule, try to put yourself in your ex-spouse’s shoes and think what would be fair from their perspective.
There are more of these holidays and special occasions than most parents initially realize. Our holiday and vacation worksheet lists some holidays that you may need to consider. Obviously, depending on your cultural heritage and religious affiliation, some of these may not be holidays or events that you would celebrate. Nevertheless, the list does give you an idea of some days you may need to consider. There certainly may be others.
You need to take into account these holidays in your month-by-month planning. Here are some of the options that you have. Your child might spend part of a holiday with you and part with your ex-spouse. Or, you might rotate so that your child spends a holiday with you one year and with your ex-spouse the next year. Or, she might spend one holiday with you and the next with your ex-spouse. Or, believe it or not, there might be some holidays or special occasions, like your child’s birthday, that you want to celebrate together. If you are able to cooperate with your ex-spouse, spending certain occasions with your child can send a strong and positive co-parenting message to your child.
Children’s input, particularly for older children and adolescents, needs to be given serious consideration. However, it is important that we point out that children – like many of us as adults – often have unrealistic views and expectations of holidays. For example, they may want the three of you to spend time on a particular holiday. Depending on the relationship you have with your ex-spouse this may or may not be feasible.
Spouses Who Poison the Relationship Between Parent and Child
Once divorce begins, it’s not uncommon for one parent to affect the relationship between the other spouse and the children. Massachusetts statutes seek to address this circumstance by making it one of the factors considered by the judge when addressing which parent is better able to act in the best interest of the children.
Judges are sensitive to this claim and will be on the lookout for any evidence of duress placed on the children. If actual duress, including signs of alienation, are suspected, reported it to your lawyer as soon as possible. The lawyer will know the best way to address the issue. Do not address this without careful thought and full understanding of the repercussions that may lie ahead.
On the other hand, parents should never use this claim as revenge. It does no one any good to allege duress or relationship-poisoning, and it will harm any claims you may legitimately make in the future. Be aware that divorce is a sensitive issue, and custody issues can be traumatic for everyone involved. You should work to lessen the trauma, not increase it, if only for the sake of your chilren.
The act of relationship-poisoning is now often referred to as “Parental Alienation Syndrome.” It has gained acceptance and there are several books written on the subject by experts who have experience observing or broken poisoned family relationships. Parental Alienation Syndrome is briefly defined as the act of one parent attempting to influence the children a certain way intentionally or unintentionally to dislike the other parent. Here are two examples that demonstrate how minimal or drastic the actions of a parent like this can be:
Example 1: a mother says to the children, “I am not getting you new tennis shoes today. Your father was supposed to buy them for you last weekend!”
Example 2: a mother says, “I am not surprised you went to that restaurant for dinner. Your father has been going there for years and drinking enough wine to start his own winery, not to mention all his lady friends that he would buy drinks for as well.”
In both cases, there is an attempt to attack the character of the other parent or to make statements that would make the children feel their father may be a bad person who doesn’t care about them.
Custody Evaluations
In custody, visitation and parenting cases, the court or either party may ask for a custody evaluation. Here, the court may relay on this evaluation to determine the parenting plan. The importance of the custody evaluation cannot be stressed enough. Custody and parenting plan cases may be won or lost on the evaluator’s report.
The judge does not leave the bench and go investigate by visiting the homes of each parent and interviewing witnesses. Instead, each partiy is expected to present all the evidence in his or her favor to the judge at trial.
However, most courts have an investigative tool to use for custody cases. That tool is the ability to order a custody evaluation, an investigation of each party’s parenting skills. An evaluator, usually a Guardian Ad Litem, will conduct a comprehensive review of each parent’s psychological makeup, parenting skills, and other factors. Based on this, the evaluator makes a report to the court on their opinion on the best custody arrangements. Because the evaluator is ordered by the court and not by the parties, their report can be influential with the judge.
To prepare for this evaluation, make sure your home is clean and safe for the children. Do not try to influence the children, as this is an easy thing for an evaluator to spot. Make sure the television is off and that there aren’t any cigarettes giving the children second-hand smoke.
When you are interviewed by the evaluator, be careful to focus on the children and what’s best for them. This is not the time to point out the flaws in the other parent. Instead, point out your own strengths as a parent.
The investigator will come to your house to interview you. He or she will observe your home and living arrangements to develop a written report to give the court about them. The evaluator will summarize all of the interviews and make recommendations to the court about custody and visitation.
You may not see the report until a few days before trial, and the evaluator will not tell you the result if you call. That makes it difficult to correct any inaccuracies or to oppose the report.
You may not need a full evaluation in your case. Normally, the evaluator interviews the parties, the children and collaterals. Collaterals may include teachers, coaches, doctors, relatives, home-workers, neighbors and others. In a less comprehensive evaluation, the evaluator only interviews one or both parties and the children.
You want as many allies in court as possible. Therefore, you want to make the evaluator your ally, not your enemy. For more on custody evaluations, along with the information on the consultations we use prior to actual court-ordered investigations, contact us.
If you are contemplating divorce or are currently involved in the process, undoubtedly you fear failure and the unknown. You are not alone. If you don’t know where to start or what to do, contact us.
Throughout Western Massachusetts, our divorce lawyers and family law attorneys zealously represent clients in Hampden, Hampton, Franklin and Berkshire counties.
If you anticipate a court appearance in Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield or Pittsfield, call (800) 910-DIVORCE or contact us for a no-obligation consultation.
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